Rock Princess

Saturday, March 03, 2007

I looked into the mirror just now. And this is what I see:
-messy, unkempt hair
-zits and pimples breaking out all over my face, angry and red.
-heavy eyebags
-crumbled, slouching figure

How nice. Due to the lack of sleep, homework is piling up day by day and I've not made much progress with my revision (drawing up time tables does not help, cos' I don't follow them), and tests are constantly popping up out of nowhere. I have not really cleaned up my room since last year, notes (for last year's end of year examinations) are strewn all over the place, a pile of clothes that can't fit me anymore is thrown into a heap at some corner of my room, and the whole place is starting to smell abit funny.

I don't know what the hell to do with my life, I really don't. *struggles hard to not let the f-word slip out.* Oh, what the heck?

F*CK MY LIFE. IT IS SO SCREWED UP.
F*CK LIFE, F*CK THE SOCIETY, F*CK THE O LEVELS, F*CK THAT CERTIFICATE, F*CK EXPECTATIONS.

Man, it sure feels nice to let it all out. I don't know, I really don't know. Because I'm not sure if I can grow up the way the adults wanted. I'm not sure that I can score all disticntions in my o levels (somehow) and get into a prestigious JC, and then into a well-known university,(all the better if it's Ivy League) then get go be a civil servant or something, doesn't matter as long as you are working for the government, because it is a stable career.

This has been drilled into my mind ever since I was born. My cousins...the eldest is a NUS graduate, majoring in biology, cos' she "die die also have to wear a square hat" (see? expectations??). Then she got a job in AVA which she hated, but had to stay in cos of expectations(again). But last year, somehow, she managed to defy the elders and went to Japan to teach english. Because she has always wanted to live in Japan.

The second one was not so good in her studies. She was disappointed when she did not get into the express stream in seondary school, beacause she did not do so well for her PSLE, but somehow she managed to pass her N levels, and then O levels. Not very outstanding results, but she got into some course at Ngee Ann poly and is now a civil servant. A boring, 9 to 5 job, but a fairly steady one.

Both of them are your typical, quiet "guai kias" staying at home studying always, not really going out, never disobeyed the adults, blah blah blah, hand in homework on time, never gave any trouble to the teachers....

Then me. Now, I am a very different story. I gave teachers a headache in school. I was very loud and noisy, even when I was in primary school. I lied and cheated to everyone everywhere I go, and was very, very rude to figures of authorities. Complaints poured in, and you can imagine the kind of lecture I had to endure. Your cousin never did this blah blah blah, they never gave us any trouble, blah blah blah, why can't you be more like them?
I became worse when I became a teenager. Like the rest, the rebel gene kicked in. Well, pretty much catastrophic results. ( A teacher in school even thought my comment about her being a pig was racist as she is a malay, but I have no intention of that sort, though I was pretty pissed with her. and in case you're wondering, she's miss ibrahim, our sec 1 art teacher. she failed me for art.)
But I have to say, among all those in the family, I am the one who has the best academic performance. (not boasting here, but whatever, if you think me arrogant and conceited, stop reading and get the hell outta here) They've all pinned their hopes onto me. The second uni grad from the family. Wearing a f*cking square hat.
Somehow the stupid adults have some stupid idea that I'm not putting in my 100% effort in everything I do. They are always discussing about me in this manner, "oh, she? She just want to play, don't want to put in hard work." "She's just lazy" "She's a smart girl, she can do well, but she just doesn't want to" "don't know what's wrong with her. she does not seemed bothered about her studies at all."

HONESTLY PEOPLE, IF I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY STUDIES, I'D HAVE SKIPPED ALL THOSE REMEDIAL CLASSES. AND I WON'T BE PURCHASING ALL THOSE TEN YEAR SERIES AND ACTUALLY DOING ABIT OF THEM EVERYTIME I'M FREE.
And I wouldn't be having eyebags.

I don't know. I hate to disappoint the adults, I hate to bring shame to the family, but living the monotonous life you have set out for me just isn't going to work. I hate order, I hate structure, and I won't be caught dead working in the government. Nor will I get a 9 to 5 corporate job, sitting in front of the computer, slaving away all day. That just wouldn't be me.

I want to go around the world, travelling here there and everywhere. Doing my writing. Short stories, novels, plays, screenplays, songs, poems. I want to see everything the world has to offer, hear the sweet song of the earth, smell the aroma of freedom, touch the sky, and taste the stars. (ok, getting abit wierd here.) But you get what I mean. I want to do what I like. Writing.
But I can't let the adults know that I'm contemplating that kind of lifestyle. Because they'd go bonkers. And by they I mean my relatives. not my parents. My mom and dad are pretty supportive in whatever I'm doing, and they both know that a boring, desk job at an office with flourescent lights and four blank walls will just drive me mad.

But it'd be pretty irresponsible of me if I don't get a stable job and support them when they get old.

I don't know. I'm lost, I'm torn. I don't even know what I'm studying for or living for right now. The future is a blank, no, one HUGE question mark for me.

Ah well. Here's some pictures to cheer me up.

Brendon: I have a crush on me because....dang! I'm just so hot!

Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses and SLEEPING WITH BRENDON